Day 13 - Jailbreak

I considered making today's entry simply, "I showered," and leaving it at that, because honestly, I don't think there's anything more important to say.

I'll go in order. The doctors came in this morning and told me they could give me a "day pass," essentially to go home for a few hours to shower and eat dinner, and then come back. They said if I wasn't back by midnight, I'd turn into a pumpkin. I signed the papers, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to make the trek home just to be there for a few hours. Meanwhile, I got platelets and a blood transfusion, which I think is going to take a long time for me to get used to. It's really strange to see a bag of blood or yellow gook and think, "that is going into my body." I was also talking to Dr. McCarthy about blood counts and whatnot, and he said, "Well, your platelets were at 14 today; we usually transfuse below 10, but since you're getting your procedures done tomorrow, we'll just do it now." So I asked him what a normal platelet count was. "Over 100."

Oh.

This yellow goop that is supposedly a bag of platelets is seriously gross.

Anyways, after realizing that I wouldn't be able to shower for another four days when I started the chemo, I decided that I would do whatever it took to bathe. I called my dad and told him to come get me. The nurse detached me from the IV, and I was free to go!

BUT WAIT. One of the doctors came in right before I left with the results of the cytogenetic testing they did. Turns out I have some weird abnormality in my cancer cells called the NPM1 mutation, which makes them even more susceptible to chemo, and it puts me in a low-risk category! In the words of my aunt, "I even do cancer right." I can't even express how relieving it is to hear news like that.

So I put on my mask and made a break for it! It felt so weird to walk around without the IV pole. It also felt weird to be outside. And then we hit no traffic. It was a good day.

Breaking out!

I got home and was greeted with a Welcome Home sign, balloons, and gallons of Purell. I sat around and talked to my grandparents for a little bit and then decided to shower. I had to wash my hair three times. It seriously took that long for it to feel clean. It was so gross. And Robert wouldn't let me forget it.

However, the grosser part was the amount of hair I lost in the shower. It was making me sick to feel the clumps coming out. I'll be honest, I was crying when I was combing it because it was just so heartbreaking to see all my hair fall out like it was nothing. I can feel it getting thin. I'm hoping that if I get discharged this weekend, I can go get it cut short to avoid that happening again, because I know I won't be able to handle it.

That kinda brought me down, plus I was just exhausted from having been in the shower. I ate two big bowls of chicken soup, but then I had to go lay down for a little bit. It was so nice to be in my own bed, even if it was only for an hour or so. Then my mom came back from Back to School Night, so I hung out with her and my grandma for a while, talked to my aunt on the phone, and packed up to head back to the hospital. I have to say, I am NOT good going down stairs. My legs were so wobbly, and I was hanging on to the banister for dear life. But I'll be back to normal in due time.

Another weird thing today was getting a good look at myself in the mirror. My mom told me I look like a plucked chicken, and it's not far from the truth. I don't have hips anymore, and my butt is completely gone. I guess 7 pounds really does make a difference. Not only that, but I'm covered in mystery scars and bruises since my body is incapable of healing itself. That's kind of an eerie thought.

But I'm focusing too much on the negative! I had an overall really great day, filled with good news and good hygiene. The doctors are trying their best to get me discharged tomorrow afternoon after I start my second round of chemo. They even want to give me a 48-hour pack instead of a 24-hour one so that I don't have to come to clinic both days of the weekend. And this is a great thing because ANDREW IS COMING TOMORROW. He's missing some of his classes and recitations, but I told him if he throws the word "leukemia" around with his professors and TA's, I'm sure they'd be very understanding... ;)

And now I'm back in my hospital bed, just chilling. I was so excited about the mutation that I told the nurse hahah. It's almost midnight, so I'm not allowed to eat or drink anymore since I have to go under anesthesia tomorrow. I'm getting a spinal tap and lumbar puncture and I'm not even nervous. It's a good sign. =)

Day 0 - Diagnosis

Now we all know that UHS (University Health Services) is world renowned for its high-quality healthcare. False. I went in on Tuesday and told them that my glands were so swollen, I couldn't speak, eat, or drink. The doctor did a strep test, which came back negative, and she said to come back in a few days if it got worse.

It did. I called them on Thursday and I was like I'M COMING IN. DEAL. My wonderful suitemate Michelle had to get into some glorious conversations with UHS and security to coordinate my transport to the UHS building. I got there, fainted while they took my blood pressure, and then laid down in a back room for about 4 hours where they took some blood for a mono test. They'd call with the results in the morning.

They called me in the morning to tell me to come in, which worried me a little because I thought they'd tell me over the phone. I got to the building, they called me in right away, and sat me down. The doctor came in and said my blood test results were abnormal. She kept asking me about other symptoms, I kept shaking my head, and then she told me that the pathologist found traces of leukemia. Leukemia. What? Nope. She's lying. But wait, she's serious.

Commence sobbing.

All the doctors and nurses were tearing up and crying when they saw me, and all I could think was that all of my lifelong plans and dreams were over because I was going to die in 5 minutes. They called my parents and my wonderful boyfriend, Andrew, and the nurse took us over to Strong Hospital.

What really got me was walking into the "Cancer Center." I'm 19 years old, I'm not supposed to have cancer. At this point I still hadn't stopped crying. For any of you country fans, I couldn't get "Skin" by Rascal Flatts out of my head. Soon I met a really nice doctor named Dr. Liesveld at Strong, and she walked me through everything. She talked to my aunt about all sorts of platelet and blood cell counts while Andrew and I just sat around confused. We eventually came to the conclusion that I'd be going home to NJ and getting treatment there, so I got some more bloodwork done, got some antibiotics, and waited for sa-kurity to come pick us up.

I sent this picture to my brother while sitting outside Strong Hospital. I had to wear this beautiful mask because I have no immune system.

I got back to the dorm and slowly started breaking the news to my friends. I emailed my scholarship board, NJR, Vocal Point, and some of my friends who go to school elsewhere. Some cried, some were just in shock. The highlight of the night was definitely Vocal Point's gift basket. If you guys are reading this, I have seriously never seen you guys work faster lmao. It was so sweet and wonderful and it really made me smile. I expect you to come perform at Sloan-Kettering in the near future. =)

So my parents came to get me, we all cried while saying goodbye, and we had a nice long 6 hour drive back to NYC. We got to the hospital at about 3am, and by the time they finished all their tests and whatnot, it was almost 6am. Seriously, the longest day of my life.

I don't think it's really set in yet. A week ago I was just drinking smoothies in Matt's room to soothe my sore throat, and now I'm in a hospital bed hooked up to an IV to wash out the toxins from all the cancer cells in my blood. It just doesn't seem real. But I'm staying strong and I'll be better soon!

But honestly, what's going to make this so much easier is the support I've been getting from all my friends and family. I'm sorry if I don't answer you all directly, I've just been so exhausted. That's mostly why I'm making this blog: to keep you all updated. But thank you all so much for your messages and gifts and support already, it really means a lot to me. Especially Andrew, who spent every waking moment with me yesterday from my diagnosis until I got into the car to leave. Andrew, I love you so much and don't know what I'd do without you.

Sorry this was the longest post in the world. It mirrors my long day. The rest of these posts will probably be MUCH shorter. I'll see you all soon, bye for now!